Prisoners of Geography meets Bill Bryson: a funny, fascinating, beautifully illustrated – and timely – history of countries that, for myriad and often ludicrous reasons, no longer exist.
‘Countries are just daft stories we tell each other. They’re all equally implausible once you get up close’
Countries die. Sometimes it’s murder, sometimes it’s by accident, and sometimes it’s because they were so ludicrous they didn’t deserve to exist in the first place. Occasionally they explode violently. A few slip away almost unnoticed. Often the cause of death is either ‘got too greedy’ or ‘Napoleon turned up’. Now and then they just hold a referendum and vote themselves out of existence.
This is an atlas of nations that fell off the map. The polite way of writing an obituary is: dwell on the good bits, gloss over the embarrassing stuff. This book fails to do that. And that is mainly because most of these dead nations (and a lot of the ones that are still alive) are so weird or borderline nonsensical that it’s impossible to skip the embarrassing stuff.
The life stories of the sadly deceased involve a catalogue of chancers, racists, racist chancers, conmen, madmen, people trying to get out of paying tax, mistakes, lies, stupid schemes and General Idiocy. Because of this – and because treating nation states with too much respect is the entire problem with pretty much everything – these accounts are not fussed about adding to all the earnest flag saluting in the world, however nice some of the flags are.
In Gideon Defoe's fifth Pirates! adventure, the dashing Pirate Captain and his intrepid crew encounter perhaps the most swashbuckling poets in history: Lord Byron, Percy Bysshe Shelley, and Shelley's fiancée, Mary Godwin.
While visiting the shores of Lake Geneva to restore their spirits and their finances, the Pirate Captain and his crew encounter some surprising fellow adventurers, literary giants of their age: the swaggering Lord Byron, the oddly shifty Percy Shelley, and his smart, quite attractive fiancée, Mary. Together the poets and pirates embark upon a journey that leads from the curiously adventureless Switzerland into the darkest bowels of Oxford, and finally to the forbidding heart of eastern Europe. Amidst haunted castles and early feminism, the Pirate Captain will confront some important questions, namely: What is the secret behind his mysterious belly tattoo? Is "Zombuloid, the corpse-beast" a better name for a monster than "Gorgo: Half-man, half-seaweed?" And, most importantly, what happens when a pirate finally falls in love?
"[Defoe] can make even pirates seem as cuddly as a teddy bear. . . . Wacky and funny and downright easy-to-love." -Sacramento Book Review
"A treasure chest of lighthearted laughs." -Knoxville News-Sentinel
NOW A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE
Adventure? Yes, more than one! Derring-do? Yes! Storms? Sea monsters? Rival pirates? Of course! Cameos by frequently anachronistic historical figures? You betcha! All that and more.
Not since Moby-Dick. . . . No, not since Treasure Island. . . . Actually, not since Jonah and the Whale has there been a group of seafarers to rival The Pirates!, and their leader, the greatest ocean-faring hero of all time, the immortal Pirate Captain, who, although he lives for months at a time on the bounding main somehow manages to keep his beard silky and in good condition.
"Be it an odd and funny book about a roguish pirate captain, Charles Darwin, and a radioactive elephant ye seek, then seek ye no more!" --Entertainment Weekly
"Prose Prozac for the nautically inclined . . . gently satiric and genuinely funny . . . a seaworthy little page-turner . . . Rated: Aaarrr!" --The Village Voice
"Hilarious. Destined to become a classic of pirate comic fiction." --Eric Idle
"A treasure chest of lighthearted laughs." --Knoxville News-Sentinel
"Equal parts witty and absurd. . . . Will put a smile on the face of even the stiffest reader." --Memphis Flyer
"[Defoe] can make even pirates seem as cuddly as a teddy bear. . . . [A] funny and downright easy-to-love book." --Sacramento Book Review
Not since Moby-Dick...No, not since Treasure Island...Actually, not since Jonah and the Whale has there been a sea saga to rival The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, featuring the greatest sea-faring hero of all time, the immortal Pirate Captain, who, although he lives for months at a time at sea, somehow manages to keep his beard silky and in good condition.
Worried that his pirates are growing bored with a life of winking at pretty native ladies and trying to stick enough jellyfish together to make a bouncy castle, the Pirate Captain decides it's high time to spearhead an adventure.
While searching for some major pirate booty, he mistakenly attacks the young Charles Darwin's Beagle and then leads his ragtag crew from the exotic Galapagos Islands to the fog-filled streets of Victorian London. There they encounter grisly murder, vanishing ladies, radioactive elephants, and the Holy Ghost himself. And that's not even the half of it.
They're back!!! The Pirate Captain and his irascible crew of scoundrels return in their soggiest saga yet.Fresh from their mishaps with Charles Darwin and the evil Bishop of Oxford, the Pirates set sail in a bouncy new vessel--purchased on credit. In order to repay his debts, the Pirate Captain is determined to capture the enigmatic White Whale, hunted by the notoriously moody Ahab, who has promised a reward.Chaos ensues, featuring the lascivious Cutlass Liz, the world's most dangerous mosquito, an excerpt from the Pirate Captain's novel in progress (a bodice ripper, of course), whale ventriloquism, practical lessons in whale painting, a shanty-singing contest in a Las Vegas casino, and a dra-matic climax in which the Pirate Captain's prize ham saves the day!Move over, Herman Melville.
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